Summer 2015 in Pictures

First T-ball Practice

Celebratory Rootbeer Floats (schools out for the summer!)

Is there any other way to bike? 

When Brock had a successful HairCut..Look at all that Handsome! 

When Letty Helped Brock During A Meltdown

When Brock's Dream Of Meeting A Police Officer Came True 

Birthday Party Fun 

Boys Will Be Boys 

When We Became Professional Dubsmashers 

When the Vikings Pre Season Games Started

Thinking before you speak

I used to pride myself on having a strong back bone, but within the last year I think it's started to slip. Or since Brock's diagnosis I've gotten more sensitive. I have people in my life who act like Autism doesn't exist. That if you "ignore" behaviors they'll just go away. I've gotten really good during his almost 7 years of life at setting time limits for activities. Brock can handle 3 hours but no more then 4. Once it hits the 4 hour mark if we don't leave a meltdown will ensue. I’ve really put my foot down since he started his different therapies on this, and I've found that I'm having problems with some people accepting this. I get that if its not a part of your life that it's a strange concept to get.

 It embarrasses Brock if he has a meltdown in front of people now that he's older, and getting him out before that happens is my number one priority. I know the cues of an oncoming meltdown..I try everything to prevent it,  but 90% of the time getting him out of the situation before he becomes overstimulated is the only way. He can't control himself and he does and says things that are shocking to others that he would never do in normal circumstances. If you get too close you can get hurt. Brock is not a violent person.

 When you tell a parent of a special needs child that their way isn't that great, you need to let your child have more fun, he used to be able to do this for longer periods of Time, or ignore him he's just a brat-- you're really not giving helpful Input. No matter how wrong you think my parenting methods are. There's literally  been a lot of blood, sweat and tears and a big team of therapists working along with me  to get him to a point where he's able to adapt to things like everyone else. Brock has Autism,  he isn't deaf. If you say negative things about these  methods with him in the room he starts to slip from following them. Which makes him regress and takes twice as much work then it initially did to get him to the point he needs to be. He thrives on a schedule. Im always open to discussing and teaching others about my sons  Autism. When you say it isn't fair that my child can't play like everyone else, trust that I've shed many tears over this same thing. I would give every last piece of myself for my child to have one day of normalcy. But that wasn't in the cards, I've accepted it, Autism isn't going anywhere.

Blog #1 People I'm Grateful For Pt 2 of Brock's Project

I haven't ever written a blog dedicated to a specific person before, but I'm going to start for Brock. Every Few weeks I'm going to write about a person who has been a big support system to Brock along this journey. It's important for Brock to know he has an army of people standing beside him.. The video I made for Brock he enjoys still, weeks later he asks to watch it right when he wakes up, and right before he goes to bed each night . I never knew a year ago how utterly alone I'd feel  as Brock's main caregiver, and didn't initially reach out to anyone until this person started reaching out to me. He's persistent and been one of my best friends since we were kids, and in turn has become Brock's biggest hero. I had asked people to send pictures to me a few weeks ago for a project I'm working on for Brock, and this is the second part of the project..So to start this out I'm going to dedicate this blog to probably Brock's biggest champion, my brother Chris who would never ask for any sort of recognition because he does the things he does because he has a huge heart. 

Growing up my brother Chris and I were always pretty close until our teenage years when we drifted apart. I was into running, softball, and I'm not ashamed to admit I went through an extremely  girly phase (I claim temporary amnesia for real) and my brother Chris was into football, baseball, and really we went into completely different directions for awhile which in turn made us not as great friends for awhile. While I’m not shy by any means, I'm more introverted and like to keep to myself and privacy is extremely important to me. Chris likes privacy too but he thrives more being surrounded by people..so it wasn't until I was pregnant with Brock around 7 years ago that we really started talking regularly again. Chris was one of the first people to hold Brock after he was born (he had rushed to Wyoming in record time from Eau Claire) and he has had a bond with Brock ever since that  I'll never understand, but forever be grateful for. 

When Brock was just a few years old Chris moved to Nevada for better opportunities , and I was crushed for Brock. I didn’t think their strong bond would hold but I was so very wrong. Brock considers Chris his biggest hero, out of the hundreds of superhero action figures Brock owns, when asked who is his favorite he always says his Uncle Chris. A year ago when Brock was diagnosed officially with Autism the first person I called to tell was my brother. Even though I was expecting that diagnosis, I had felt like my world was tipped off its axis. It's a feeling of defeat, and relief. I was defeated because I didn't know where to go from there, and relieved because there were reasons behind every single delay Brock was experiencing. The first thing my brother said was “ok, he has Autism. It's just a label on what you already knew Lindsay. It doesn't change anything, he's still the same person.” Even though I knew that, it was a good feeling to hear them from someone else. He didn't tell me everything was going to be ok, because we both knew there would be more extremely challenging times. I appreciate when people don’t use words just to make you feel better, to cover up the truth of the situation, but can still get their point across by only stating facts. I hate lies, even white ones, especially when it comes to my child. Usually when something big happens in my life I share it with the bare minimum, only the people who actually need to know, then deal with things on my own. Like I said, I'm quite introverted. But I was finding it hard to do with Brock's situation. I wasn't happy with the minimal treatment options available, and I knew I didn't want Brock to ever feel like he needed to hide who he truly was so this is where this blog came into play. I found that it was actually quite lonely being a parent to a special needs child, and not many people felt comfortable talking about it..which just doesn't sit well with me. During that time my brother would reach out, and I'm the queen of either losing my phone or ignoring phone calls. I misplace my phone constantly and it's usually on silent, so trying to find it is like finding a needle in a haystack. But my brother is persistent, and persistence pays off. I started opening up to him about the challenging times, and he answered many late night tear-filled phone calls from me. He'd always have the same advice, “Lindsay, I know it seems like a lot, but these are just stepping stones to cement Brock's future.” Those weren't his exact words, but along the same lines. “Keep up with the therapies and you’ll see Brock start to succeed even if it doesn't feel that way right now.” “So what if he needs special education, if anyone thinks differently have them talk to me. You're doing the best you can for him.” “There will always be someone who thinks you're doing it wrong, but the only one who's opinion matters is Brock’s, and I doubt he'll complain that you did the best you could for him.”  I never doubted his need for therapies or special education, most of our conversations surround the negative feedback I've gotten from others. I'd like to say people's words don't affect me, but that would be a lie. 

I'm a parent that was thrust into a world I barely knew anything of quite fast, and while many people know very little of Autism, there are sure lots of opinions. When you are a parent of a child with special needs those opinions come out more, whether you ask for them or not. While I don't mind advice, I mind when people cruelly go out of their way to find something wrong with everything you do. Which has unfortunately happened frequently since the day Brock was diagnosed. Keeping quiet isn't an option, acceptance is though. Openly talking about Autism opens many doors, and I would never shut the door on an opportunity Brock deserves. 

So to end this, Having a strong support system means the world to me. The blogs about each person won't be in any particular order, there's not one person who's support that means more to me then the next. I saw it fitting to start with my brother Chris based solely on his irrevocable bond with Brock. They’ve been best friends since the first time they met when Brock was only a couple hours old. Chris calls Brock many times throughout the month, and will sit and listen to Brock talk for hours sometimes about just Star Wars and will never get the slightest bit annoyed. Which says a lot because I even can get annoyed sometimes when Brock talks about the same thing over and over. I have learned a great deal of patience, but I'm not a saint. I'm human, and I'm not perfect but I wouldn't change one thing about him. They also do FaceTime and Skype and will sit and makes faces at each other, I'm shocked their faces don't get stuck in some of the positions they put them in. Brock looks forward to those times, and Chris is good about calling when he says because he knows how much Brock truly looks forward to those times. These blogs won't always be based off some huge gesture, if you've ever done something that may seem small to you, like stopping for a moment to acknowledge Brock and really truly listen to him..you may find yourself featured in one of these. I’ve learned that the smallest of things mean the most to Brock. When someone stops and says hi to him anywhere his entire face lights up, and he will talk about that person endlessly like he just met his new best friend. But not the best, because theirs one kiddo who holds that title from his kindergarten class, that's most deserving. 

This is my brother Chris (he sent this picture for this project) 

Spread the Word to End the Word

We pledged and support the elimination of the derogatory use of the R-word from everyday speech and promote the acceptance and inclusion of people with intellectual disabilities.

Make the same pledge at www.r-word.org

I've always been laid back on a lot of things..sure things bother me, but usually not enough where I'd go out of my way to try to put an end to it. That was before having a child. I've learned quite a few things about myself since then, like the lengths I'd go to protect my child from anyone or Anything that would try and hurt him in anyway. Even people close to him. I've been an advocate for those with special needs for about ten years now. I started working in a group home for women with developmental disabilities and knew right away I wanted to change how people perceived those with special needs. It's such a big unknown area to a lot of people, where they shy away from anything to do with them for whatever reason. I've seen a lot of people lost in the system when they have the skills and knowledge to live independently if they would just be given a chance. When Brock was diagnosed with Autism I knew I would do everything in my power to not let that happen to him. I will always be his biggest advocate and make sure he lives a life up to his full potential. Through working In group homes, and having a child with developmental disabilities I've heard the R-word in passing more then I'd ever thought would happen. The times that I've heard that word used I have no problems telling them exactly what I think. Even when they pass it off like it was a joke. 

There is no faster way to make my blood boil then by using the R-word. It's disgusting, hurtful, and deragotory. It's saying there is something wrong with having special needs. There is no good reason to use that word, even if you are "joking". There is nothing funny about it. I absolutely do not allow the use of the R-word or any sort of name calling in my household. We need to build each other up not bring each other down. Brock has been taught from a young age the power of positive thinking. Of course I've faced challenges from outside influences with Brock, but if you don't use those words in your home your children will know and understand how wrong they are. Please pledge today at www.r-word.org to stop the use of R word from everyday speech! 

Autism Awareness Video for Brock

Over the last month I was working on a project for Brock...during all the fundraising for the Steps of Hope Walk I did a few give aways  for items I received with the team Assburgers logo on it..and had shirts made as well, so anyone who had gotten an item I asked if they'd send a picture of them using the item for this project. With Autism Awareness month right around the corner I wanted to do something special for Brock, something he could hold onto forever. There's so much I always want to say to him, but he isn't at a point where he'd understand through conversation. So I put together this video to show him how much support he has. When I was finished and sat Brock down to watch it, he ended up watching it on repeat for a good half an hour..he didn't say a word but kept squeezing my hand. The video is very emotional for me, because it was the first time I was able to show Brock all the love he's surrounded with. While he knows the word" I love you" and all that...I don't think he truly got it until he saw this. I'm going to try doing more visual things to show him what different feelings mean from me to him. Please enjoy. And feel free to share.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H4EnreC1yz8
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Click on that link. 

Pictures from the Steps of Hope Walk 2015

Here's a few photos from the MN Autism Society's Steps of Hope walk from Today..For those on my Facebook page I added them there also. It was a fun day, and I'm really excited to get Brock involved in a few more programs through the Autism Society. I've never seen him as relaxed as he was today..

This is the reason...

As I'm doing last minute preparations to leave for the weekend to walk in the Steps of Hope walk to raise awareness for Autism, I keep looking at this picture. This picture here is the whole reason I put all my extra free time, and energy into raising awareness for Autism. Anytime Brock asks for comfort I drop whatever I'm doing for sometimes 10 seconds of being able to hold him. When I became a mom I never imagined that this would be my reality, especially after having genetic testing done (due to pregnancy problems) and having nothing show up..and after the doctor laid this miracle on my chest for the first time..(because that's what each and every child born into this world is, a miraculous gift from God) and announced he had ten fingers, ten toes and was healthy as could be. The first year of Brock's life he was hitting milestones faster than most children, according to his doctors. When Brock turned one that slowly started to change. It was so subtle at first I didn't notice it right away, but by the time he was three years old he wasn't able to do things he previously was. I brought it up constantly to his doctor and was told that preschool aged children act out, three is worse than the terrible twos, and he'd eventually outgrow it. I knew in my heart his doctor was wrong, call it mothers intuition or whatever. There was a lot of waiting over the next few years until April 2014 we got the answers to all of our questions, after many tests were done by therapists. High functioning Autism or Aspergers depending which therapist you talk to. Brock rarely seeks comfort or affection out on his own and this day he was having a very rough day and said to me, "Mom can you please just hold me tight." And I held him harder than I've ever been able to hold him before. That was a few weeks ago, and he hasn't let me hold him as long as this, and that's ok, but he has laid on me for a few minutes here and there since. There are so many reasons to raise awareness, and this picture is one small, but very important part of it. People with Autism want love and affection just as much as the next person but don't always know how to ask for it. Brock has been able to get therapies through school, and out of school and they are very intense at times, for the past few months. Through these therapies he's been making so many improvements such as being able to recognize letters, sound out words, he's been working on perfecting writing his name, and his conversational skills especially have improved tremendously. He's able to tell me when he's mad, sad or even happy at times. There will likely be times he regresses, but that's all a part of this. Chances are he'll need these therapies throughout his life. Starting therapies at a younger age gives an even greater chance for these individuals to live an independent life. Making sure these other children who aren't as fortunate as Brock to have access to these therapies is and should be a top priority. We all want to see children succeed in their lives, and raising awareness and knocking out these ridiculous stigmas surrounding Autism spectrum disorders is number one. These aren't bad or spoiled children, these are children who can't communicate what they really need or want, and it is possible to help them. Everything donated to the Autism Society of Minnesota through the steps of hope walk, and other fundraising events they hold go directly to funding these therapies for these children and adults. I can't think of a better community to be involved in. 

I'm trying something completely out of Brock's norm this weekend, and surprising him with staying at a hotel in the cities for this weekend before the walk. We'll be able to do pool therapy still, and relax..and my biggest surprise is taking him to the Science Musuem. Brock is obsessed with space and I'm so fortunate to be able give him this experience that will help him with his future. He told me yesterday he was going to space someday..and my reply was if anyone could make it to space Brock you could. He has determination like no other. 

I was asked on a date by...

With all the talk of Valentines Day and Love this week it spiked a certain six year olds curiosity, and he had tons of questions about what people do on Valentines Day..I told him that a lot of people go on dates to which he asked if he could take me on one...my heart pretty much melted and I couldn't say no. So this afternoon we went out to lunch together, and he opened all the doors for me like a gentleman..and I gave him money beforehand because he insisted on paying. He wanted to drive too, and almost convinced me he was a good driver because he's an amazing story teller, but that won't happen for 10 more years. Which is a scary thought. I'm constantly reminded about how much God has blessed me, and he has profusely with this one. With therapies taking up almost every night of the week, I'm always left to focus on the things Brock can't do instead of what he can do. Which is painful for me because I am always trying to see the upside to everything, so it brings me down. This tiny request from Brock made me realize that he is making so much improvements in basic conversation by expressing his wants. And he honestly asks for so little that when he does I try to honor his requests as much as possible. Yesterday for example I was so unbelievably proud of him, they were having Valentines Day Parties at school and I made too many Valentines and on the way to drop him off I asked him what he'd think of handing them out to teachers in the hallway, he liked the idea, even when I said he might not know some of them..so it was a go. He didn't talk to any of the teachers just handed them off and practically ran, but it was huge for him because he has a lot of anxieties when it comes to social interactions. And everyone was great so it made me feel just an incredible sense of pride for Brock to face a fear head on. I absolutely love when Brock has breaks from school, even though my own work gets put on hold, because I feel like with everything else we truly don't get time together. So thank you Brock for taking me on my very first "real" date. I can honestly say I've never been on a real one before, even though it was obviously all in fun. Whenever I feel like I could be doing more God sends me these reminders that I'm doing something right when it comes to raising my child. Here we are before our fun date, sorry for the selfies but there's only the two of us so selfies are the way to go.

Brock-isms

My mom has been asking me forever to make a blog full of the funny things Brock has said or done over the years. It was hard to pick, but I chose 23..yeah there's plenty more, but I'm saving those for a project I've been working on...I was down with pneumonia last week, which gave me some free time I don't normally have to go through old journals, blogs, and Facebook posts. So mom, since you've been my biggest supporter/champion this is for you:

July 9, 2010
-So Brock came running out of the bathroom to tell me he 'poop in the potty'. I go running in the bathroom ALL EXCITED to find he left me Cheetos there instead.

February 1st, 2011
- Brock woke me up and gave me a big hug. I said to him, 'I love you Mr. Brock.' He looks at me and says, ''Aww I love ME too mommy.''

February 23rd, 2011
- I wake up to Brock with his radio on, and dancing at 3:30 a.m. I ask him what he's doing, and he says ''what mom I'm partying!" I told him it's time to go back to bed and he told me to go ahead and lay down, Brock will be OK.

March 3rd, 2011
- Ran into Walmart tonight to get a few things , and Brock saw diapers when we passed by that section. He says'' Mommy I need diapers''. I tell him he doesn't need diapers because we have plenty. A few minutes later a lady is talking to him and he tells this stranger that his mommy won't buy him diapers and he really needs to go potty. I never received a dirtier look from another person, than the one that stranger gave me.

September 16th, 2011
- At my sisters house and this guy came to pump the sewer. I stepped outside with Brock and he says to the guy ' Not fair, my mom won't let me poop outsid!"

January 17th, 2012
- When you ask me my sons name, and I tell you it's Brock, and you giggle and say like BARACK Obama, trust me I'm not laughing with you.

April 27th, 2012
- Apparently Brock got hungry during the middle of the night. Walked into his bedroom to check on him and he had lunch meat, crackers and a tub of peanut butter on his bed. He looked at me and said, what, I wanted breakfast but it's still dark out.

May 7th,2012
- Brock asked if he could eat some of my spicy peppers, and I let him know that kids usually don't like spicy foods. He says '' well some kids do. Don't say all kids, cause you don't know all the kids of the world.''

June 20th, 2012
- Who needs refrigerator/ freezer locks anyways? When a 3 year old wants breakfast, they want it now. Even if it consists of sitting on the kitchen floor-indian style, while digging his chubby hands in a big tub of ice cream at 6 a.m. So I did what any normal parent would do..grabbed some spoons and joined him.

July 29th, 2012
- Brock to his 3 day old cousin, Sienna, who was crying '' quiet sweetheart, you're annoying me!"

August 4th, 2012
-Awkward moment when Brock gets mistaken for a girl at the store. Even more awkward when he says, excuse me ma'am, I'm a boy, I stand when I go potty.''

October 18th, 2012
-i was telling Brock I needed to make him an appointment to cut his hair. Which is never fun. Brock says' mother, I can only look this good if YOU cut my hair.''

November 13, 2012
-Disciplining Brock would be so much easier if he wasnt so quick witted, and made me laugh so much. Watched him do something he wasnt suppose to, and when asked about it he says, ''Oh that? That wasn't me. That was the Brock next door..the one with the curly hair.'' Energy.please.kick.in.

November 28th, 2012
- Found a phone number that has a recorded message from Santa that kids can listen to. For months I've told Brock that I know Santa's phone number, and he didn't believe me. So today when "Santa'' called and said I know when you've been naughty or nice'' Brocks mouth dropped open and he says '' Oh shoot! You were right. I guess I can't be naughty anymore!" Evil or genius? You tell me.

December 26th, 2012
- I feel like I'm living the real life version of a musical right now. Lately Brock has turned every single thing he does into a song ''I'm going to the bathroom, I really have too gooooo'' Mooom I'm hungry, chicken sounds gooooood'' I'm really getting sleepy, can yoouu puuut meee toooo beeeed'' Just a few examples and unfortunately it's quite catchy'.

February 1st, 2013
-If you've ever wondered if you can teach a cat to sit, shake or fetch the answer is yes. Brock has been asking for a dog, and I told him he needs to be more responsible with our cats first. Well..he showed me. Well played Brock, well played.

February 10th, 2013
that awkward moment when Brock sings Lady GaGa's Bad Romance in my Bible Study Class.

February 19th, 2013
-Brock has officially out pranked me. This morning he was complaining he wasn't feeling well, and went running into the bathroom. A few minutes later he was saying OUCH! OUCH! Followed by some less than pleasant sounds. I walk into check on him and find him sitting on the floor playing with the fart sounds app on my tablet, laughing hysterically at me. Boys. Are. So. Gross.

April 16th, 2013
-i dyed my moms hair today, and when Brock saw it he told her Grandma! Now you don't look so much like an old lady! That boy sure knows how to lay on the charm.

May 10th, 2013
-Brock is officially my garage sale-ing side kick. He bargained down a price on a toy he wanted all on his own. Hearing him say will you take five for it, has never made me more proud. Either that, or he'll make an excellent salesman someday.

May 15th, 2013
- caught a softball with my face last night. Woke up to my right eye and cheek black and swollen. I look like I have two cheekbones on one cheek. Brock said , wow mommy, you need to do your makeup better you look like a raccoon.

January 25th, 2013
out for lunch with Brock and he had to tell every girl he saw that she was beautiful. Yeah that will be trouble when he's older.

December 23rd, 2013
-Brocks over-used excuse of the week, ''I'm only being naughty cause I want to see if Santa really won't bring me a present if I'm bad.''

DIY weighted blanket

I've been hearing about weighted blankets and there benefits for children with SPD &ASD (sensory processing disorder / Autism Spectrum Disorder) for quite some time..Brock has a very hard time falling and staying asleep at night, where some nights he, and myself included end up with 3-5 hours per night. I thought I'd give it a go, so I looked up the cost if I would order one online and they are anywhere between $150-$300 I didn't want to spend that much yet, until I knew whether or not it would help him..so I found a DIY website and made my own for him. It isn't anything spectacular, but the cost was between $30-40. He's used it 3 times now, and it's helped him fall asleep in less than 10 minutes. The blanket weighs around 5 pounds, as I didn't feel comfortable using more weight than this for Brock. Some use up to 15 lbs. Pics are below.

Pro vaccination or not??

Vaccinations is a topic I don't particularly like getting into, but it's one subject that I get asked about constantly. Since I'm asked so often, I figured why not blog about it? When people hear that Brock has Autism some are very curious about whether or not I had him vaccinated. I'll throw this right out there, and then get into my feelings on it. Brock was vaccinated. (Gasp) the horror, right? And he's going to continue getting all of his booster shots, even after being DX'D with Autism. Do I think vaccinations caused Brocks Autism? No, I do not, and here's why. There are children with Autism who have been vaccinated, and there are children with Autism who have NOT been vaccinated. The end. Just kidding. Look, when I found out I was pregnant with Brock I spent more than my fair share time of studying the pro's and con's of every little thing imaginable. To breastfeed or to formula feed? To circumcise or not? To vaccinate or not? To use cloth or disposable diapers. What car seat, crib, or baby bottles are the safest. To have Brock see a pediatrician or would my family doctor do? I've worried about how every little thing would affect him, and didn't go into this with a blind eye. I don't do things just because everyone else is doing them or because it's expected. If the pro's outweigh the con's and I feel it's best for my child, I'm going to do it. Every single thing I do has Brocks best interest in mind. When Brock was born and it came time for vaccinations after I did my studying at home, and read through the risks, and signed the dotted line for my consent  I never once regretted it. Every time you put a medication in your body there is a risk. That antibiotic you take for strep throat or an ear infection? Theres a risk. Risk for an allergic reaction, or side effects ranging from nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. I'd take the nausea and vomiting versus having it progress into kidney inflammation, rheumatic fever, hearing loss, or a perforated ear drum. If you take medication for depression or anxiety some of the side effects are..well more depression and anxiety amongst other things. Do you risk worsening depression by not taking a medicine for it, or do you also risk the side effects in hopes of it getting better? I'm no stranger to side effects from medications myself. Like I've said before, I've had Crohns disease for 16 going on 17 years, I've taken my share of meds to get better. I stopped all my meds 1.5 years ago since I learned to manage intermittent symptoms on my own..but in the process of learning I also had some nasty side effects like hearing loss, bone loss, facial tics and a million other things. If I didn't treat my crohns in a flare, it could have fatal consequences. There's a risk with everything even vaccines. The pro's outweighed the con's so my child was vaccinated. It just so happened that he was diagnosed with Autism in the mist of it all. If it comes out down the road that vaccines played a part, because there's no way vaccines can cause it because there wouldn't be people with Autism who haven't received a single dose of vaccines if it were, I'm not to prideful to admit that maybe I made a mistake. Honestly we are all predisposed to a number of things, a majority never come to fruition. If vaccinations DO play a part it just means Brock was pre disposed to having it, and the vaccinations pushed it out sooner than it would have on its own. But I strongly believe that it was decided when Brock was growing in utero that Autism would be a part of him. Nothing can change it, or take it away, it's always going to be a part of him. I struggled for many years wondering if I did something differently during my pregnancy if Brock wouldn't of had it, I didn't just always accept things at face value. I know many people have asked me how I'm always so optimistic, and I don't want to lie and say I always have been this way. Anytime something happens to our child(ren) whether Autism or something else is in play, we want to know the how's, and why's of it all. Why did Brock get Autism? I don't know. I may never know, I used to beat myself up over it, but I'm past the grieving, and the blaming. Sometimes things happen just because, and there is no rhyme and reason to it. I have a love/hate relationship with Autism. I love Autism because it makes my baby boy who he is, and the hate is because I strongly dislike how much Brock struggles everyday. I live and breathe this, I see the tears of frustration daily coming from Brock on why he can't do something that is seemingly simple like all his friends can do. Nobody would like something that caused there child so much pain and anxiety. I kind of feel like if you take away Autism, you take away a big part of my son. There are so many things that make up who each person is, and this is a part of who he is. Autism isn't ALL of who he is, but a part of him. I decided a year ago that I wasn't going to sit around and wonder why Brock? Why does he have Autism?  There are so many therapies available to help him along the way, and improve his quality of life, sitting around and worrying isn't going to solve anything. It would only hold him back. There have been many studies done on what causes Autism, and there is no definitive answers yet. Only opinions on what this person believes over the next. Everyone is entitled to theirs, and I'm not here to change minds, only talk about my personal experiences with Brock, and my personal opinions. I have friends who believe vaccines cause it, and thats OK. I respect their thoughts, and they respect mine. I believe it's always easier to process something when there is something concrete to blame, and it makes it harder for us parents who have children with Autism when there are no answers to our questions. Until the day all of our questions are answered we'll always be left wondering why. In the meantime I encourage you to let go of the self blame, it's a natural reaction, and fully embrace the blessing(s) in front of you if you're stuck at that stage.

Autism Awareness hand painting craft

Someone emailed me a picture of this little boys hands painted the colors that represent Autism, and I had wanted to try it on Brock for sometime. He had turned down the idea before, and the same picture showed up on my news feed on Facebook over the weekend, and Brock said all on his own that he wanted to try it only if I would with him..so this is what we did after school. It was super messy, but a lot of fun. I like trying new things with him, and this turned out to be a success, minus the blurry pictures, and the hand prints on my walls..but so worth all the new colors in my house:)

Updates on a few things

I'm trying to post enough things for the next few weeks, as we have quite a bit going on over the Holidays, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog much, if at all. Some of you may be aware, but I haven't posted much personal updates concerning Brock. Brock was approved for special education back in November, and started after Thanksgiving break. He really seems to enjoy it, and really likes all of his teachers in there. Not to embarrass Brock, but he's quite the ladies man. He has his very first crushes, yes crushes as in more than one, and they all happen to be teachers. It's probably the cutest thing to watch when I ask him each day what teachers he's worked with, and when I mention a few specific names his face turns bright red. I ran into one last week when I dropped Brock off, and his face resembled a tomato, and he ran off. The males in my family tend to be flirts, so it looks like Brock was blessed with that gene. Brock and I also started seeing a behavioral therapist together, he specializes in working with children on the autism spectrum. He works close with the parent(s) too because most of it involves giving them the ideas to incorporate into their daily lives. We just started that a few weeks ago too, so I'm excited to see where it leads. After the first of the year Brock will be seeing a physical therapist too. His walk or gait is delayed significantly, so we'll be getting him help with that. With all of these added things into our schedules, Brock has been having a hard time behaviorally by the time he gets home, and his sleep schedule has been affected. We do a lot of yoga, and relaxation exercises to release the stress. I'm sure it will all calm down once he gets use to it. Until than I'm getting woke up by him every 2-3 hours at night. It sucks, but such is life. It's worse for Brock. But he's surrounded by love and patience. And this too shall pass. I'm really looking forward to Christmas break, because he really needs one. I have a book recommendation for those who haven't read it, I finally got around to it as my reading list has been quite large lately. I downloaded it on to my kindle, and I'm so glad I did. It's called 'The Reason I jump" by Naoki Higashida. He's a 13 year old boy on the Autism Spectrum who writes about what living with Autism is really like. The cool thing is he cant talk verbally, or write I think? Or couldn't at one point, correct me if I'm wrong. And his mom invented an alphabet grid for him just so he would be able to. Amazing. It's a short read at 150 some pages, and $8.99 on the amazon kindle app.

Christmas Concert

Brock had his first ever Christmas Concert last week. I was nervous how it would go for him, and he did awesome! It was simply amazing to see a few of his classmates help him when he'd stumble during some of the dancing they'd do during the songs. They didn't care that it would take away from their own little performances, they saw a friend in need and stepped up to help. I had tears in my eyes, watching the care his friends have for him shine through. His classmates parents are doing it right. I love how everyone in kindergarten are friends, and hope these bonds they have stick throughout their school careers. I couldn't get close enough to get great pictures, so I only have a few, but thought I'd share anyways. There on my Facebook page to as well. Most of my postings I leave public, because I'm not sharing anything secretive or extreme. I wouldn't add that there..so my page is open for anyone to view.

Addressing the negative. It's not about you or I, it's about those without a voice.

       Anytime you make public posts, like a blog, or even on Facebook you run the risk of people not agreeing with you. I try to avoid posting any controversy subjects because I'm pretty firm in my beliefs, and I believe everyone is entitled to their own. It's frustrating for everyone I'd assume to go online, and see someone slamming their beliefs. Everyone is more vocal with their thoughts, because chances are you'll never or rarely be face to face with those people. Everyone who knows me personally knows I believe in God, I struggle and fall with my Christianity like everyone else. I'm a sinner who asks for forgiveness regularly. I try my best to be a good, fair person, and to see the positive in everything, but I'm not naive enough to believe there aren't people with cruel intentions. I've been on the receiving end of many unfair, cruel situations from the time I was a little girl, through adulthood. I've experienced, and made it through things that are only in peoples worst nightmares. I've had a poor me attitude, and thought God was punishing me many times. But then I grew up, and realized that I can either be angry with the cards I was dealt, or embrace the life I was given. I chose to embrace life, and that includes everything on my plate. I've heard through third parties not so kind thoughts, and opinions others have on me being so vocal about Brock having Autism, and my decision to blog about it. I can promise you the decision wasn't one I made overnight. I've only been vocal over the last few months, but knew since Brock was two that he had Autism, official diagnosis or not. He was officially diagnosed last April, and that diagnosis has opened many doors, and my heart to every single child who isn't given a voice. I've worked in group homes with women, and older teens who've been in the system their whole lives with all sorts of mental health issues ranging from schizophrenia, multiple personalities, and yes sadly even Autism that have never been given a chance. There's such a stigma around these ''disorders'' and people are literally clueless on how to treat them medically, or personally. Its my mission as Brocks mother to never let that happen to MY child. I'm his voice, I have the tools and the knowledge to get him every therapy he needs to live independently by the time he's an adult. It's also my mission as I said in my first post to have the people that know him on any level at all, to not skirt around him having Autism. It's there, and it's not going anywhere. Pretending it doesn't exist will not benefit him in anyway. I have an open door policy with my son that he can talk about everything, and anything on his mind..even with the communication barriers we face day to day. What may not make sense to me coming from Brock, is a real concern to him. Its not my place to say what feelings are right or wrong, its my job to guide him in any worry he has, even if he thinks there's a bug in his room that doesn't exist. I will pretend 'exterminate' the heck out of that bug to ease his mind. Because usually that bug he's talking about, is an issue going on that he can't voice like you or I could. Not an imaginary problem he's making up. By him seeing me doing these things, its building his trust that I will always take his concerns seriously no matter how big or small. I've had people tell me that so, and so think I'm blogging about Autism for attention, and I always reply that I am. It's true, but not the kind that they think. I'm not blogging for personal attention, I'm blogging to bring attention to what it's like raising a child with Autism. What daily struggles my child goes through to live in this crazy world. His fears are real, his worries are real, his anxieties are real. I will say this a million times if I have to. I'm not blogging for you, or I, I'm blogging for these people who don't have a voice. It's really small. I don't care if someone doesn't agree with it, I'm not going to stop. I would never give up so easily on my child over a differing opinion, or anything at all. That's the joy of being an individual, we all don't think the same. I don't force anyone to read, I post a link to my Facebook page once a week, twice if I'm feeling extra chatty. I've had numerous people email me and thank me, people ask for suggestions, and people who have had a relative with Autism who they had adverse thoughts of before, but are now going to read up more and see how they can help. I've had people thank me in person that I know, and some I don't know. In a month exactly of starting my blog I've had 4500 page views. That's a lot of clicks from all over the world in a short time. Even if only one person was reading I'd still write. That's my point. I don't talk about my personal life, or what vacations I plan on taking, or what restraunt I'm eating at. My relationships. Or lack thereof, because my life is 100% dedicated to helping and taking care of Brock.  Not that there is anything wrong with those things, I enjoy reading updates on the happenings of my friends, and families lives as much as the next person. It's just not for me. Just like every thing I've overcome prior to becoming a mother six years ago, I'm going in head first to this with Brock and he will make it to the top, I'm sure of it. As his therapist said on Friday, he has a type of personality that people will want to cling to and be around. It's true, my buddy is full of life, and he has a lot to bring to this world. I usually try to avoid addressing the negative, so this will be my only post like this, if anyone ever doubts my intentions. I'll let it lie here. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to learn, and read my weekly postings, I appreciate all feedback, and really do take others opinions into consideration. It makes it feel like we are less alone in this. I see Brock wanting to break free from his worries and interact in our world, are you willing and open to interact in his? And others like him?

Christmas Countdown

Brock loves countdowns.. We do them for pretty much everything. His birthday is our biggest countdown we do each year. Last year we started one 75 days in advance...a little crazy? Yes. Fun? Definitely. Imagine making 75 construction paper presents, bows and all. It's a wonder I don't have carpel tunnel. So it was inevitable we'd do one for Christmas. I'm not an artist by any stretch, but I love doing projects with Brock. Today we spent a good chunk of our day making this in between getting everything ready for school tomorrow. Each night he'll pull off a picture and it will reveal the days left until Christmasd. Granted I did most of it, since Brock isn't able too yet, but art projects relax him so much and we have some of the best talks during this time. What do you do to prepare for Christmas? Any fun Holiday traditions? One of our traditions is driving around looking at Christmas lights. Friday night I drove Brock through town and listened to Christmas music enjoying all the lights. Saturday we went to our towns lighting festival, we missed Santa but Brock wanted to eat mini tacos at the bowling alley so we watched from there. It's the little things. I dread Mondays because I miss him so much when he's at school. Maybe that will change when he's older, but I don't see that  happening. We also have some fun Christmas Eve and Day traditions, but I'll make a blog after those days full of pictures.

Mommy diapers

I hate Walmart. Not because it's Walmart and I think I'm too good for it, I hate it because everything that could ever go wrong on a shopping trip always happens to me at Walmart. I love living in a small town, but let's be serious the store options suck. Especially when you are in need of something unexpected and last minute, and the only store open is Walmart. I could always travel 30 minutes to a different town and shop elsewhere, but when it 's a school night it's not gonna happen, especially in my household. Like I've said before Brock gets agitated real fast when we deviate from his schedule, I try to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes things can't wait. If we don't go on a planned outing, I know a huge meltdown is on the horizon..But if we go somewhere not planned its more manageable. He'll usually repeat phrases that have to do with the outing, real loud so he can get used to the change in his mind. I do weekly behavior charts for Brock at home, and if he gets so many points at the end of the week he gets a reward. This week his reward was a small toy, and I figured since we were going to Walmart, we might as well kill two birds with one stone. My mistake. I didn't get Brock properly prepared for this outing, and he was in a mood. I give Brock two choices in whatever price range he's earned, because multiple options will bring on obsessive behavior. He could either choose (2) Pokemon card packs or (1) Pokemon stuffed animal. All the way to Walmart he was going over the pro's and cons of each choice, out loud..he was so loud he was practically yelling. I have to talk him through these, because if he becomes to agitated I'll have to take him back home, and try again another time so he doesn't become to over stimulated, hence the minimal choices. But I couldn't turn around because I really needed to get to the store. So like I said above, I hate Walmart. It causes me anxiety. I've fainted and thrown up in Walmart before. Not even kidding, I was standing in the beauty aisle looking at hair products and threw up and fainted simultaneously. I have crohn's disease so if I don't eat  something small every few hours I get light headed. I didn't eat enough that day...but nobody wants to be the reason behind clean up in aisle 5. Last June I was going through some post op complications, I had a pretty big surgery in April and had some nerve damage, and vision loss. Which is why I have to wear glasses now forever. I had perfect vision up until my surgery. I was on my way to Walmart, and lost vision completely in my left eye. The scariest thing that's ever happened to me, and I had to be rushed to the hospital. Everything is OK now, besides poor vision. I've had Brock tell complete strangers that I am starving him because I wouldn't buy him a treat at 8 p.m. at Walmart, and I've had Brock also tell strangers that I won't let him use the bathroom because he really had to pee, while he was still in diapers. Brocks jumped out of the cart and hid under clothes racks at Walmart when he was completely anxious. So yeah, I have shopping anxiety when it comes to that store. So the other day when we finally got to Walmart, Brock started repeating his choices out loud again. I told him we would pick out his toy after I got my stuff since Pokemon stuff is right next to the registers. I put my stuff in the cart, and Brock decides to add my stuff to his list of things to repeat. One of my items (sorry TMI)  were pads, and curious George wanted to know everything about them. Obviously I didn't go into to much detail, maybe I should have, because Brock came to his own conclusion. Mommy diapers. So instead of chanting about Pokemon, he is chanting loudly that his mommy wears diapers. And I had to let him because I am not explaining periods to a six year old boy. Sure I told him that wasn't appropriate to say, but since everyone was laughing there was no stopping my little comedian. When we finally reached the registers, and Brock decided on a Pokemon stuffed animal...I thought we were in the clear.  No such luck. As the cashier is scanning the pads, Mr. Big Mouth himself decides to reappear and inform her that his ''mommy wears diapers, because she pees her pants..even though she's too old for diapers she just can't stop peeing.'' I lost it. Laughing. It was too much, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Too much of our lives are serious that when things like this happen, which are more often than not with Brock cause he's a jokester, I let it go. Brock says all the time he just wants to make people laugh. So yes, half the world now knows when aunt flo visits me, but that's OK. We got a moment where Autism was just out of our minds for a minute..and we need those reprieves once in awhile or we'd go crazy. Not alot embarasses me but my six year old boy can sure bring on 50 shades of red faster than anyone else I know. What are some of the most embarrassing things your kids have said or done to you in public?

I took the plunge...

And...enrolled back into college. If all goes well I'll be starting January 5th. I've been praying for some sort of direction in my life and this has been in my head for over a year. I'm going back for Early Childhood Education with a special needs specialization. Half will be online, half will be on campus. Plus I'll eventually doing an externship for 25-30 hours a week. Hoping I can get one close to home. I'm trying to get everything worked around the times Brock's in school so we don't have a major routine change. He's been having some tough times behaviorally so I'm trying to make this as painless as possible for him. I asked his behavior therapist why he sems to do as good as he does at school and erupts once he gets home, and he thinks Brock is focusing so hard on calming his anxieties at school that at home with me is his safe, comfort place that he just let's it all out. It's been difficult, I hate seeing him struggle. We've been doing nightly yoga to help release all the tension. Last night he just laid on me and cried for a half hour, and when I asked what was bothering him he said a bug. That's the most difficult part is the communication barriers. This whole journey is why Early Childhood Ed. With a specialization in special needs is so right for me because I'm going to be the best I can for Brock, while being able to help others in similar situations will be the most amazing accomplishment I can give not only Brock and myself but others.

Autism AFFECTS you too

Yes, you read that right. If you associate with my child in any way, shape, or form Autism affects you too. Maybe everytime you talk to my child you think he's being rude , or doesn't like you. He isn't and he does. Brock doesn't know how to communicate like you, and I do. He tries his damnest to escape his world for a minute so he can fit into yours each time he has a conversation. Autism has affected you that way. Maybe you try to avoid him at times because all he talks about is space and pokemon endlessly, or you brush off conversations. Don't. Try bringing up topics you enjoy so he can learn about you. Open a door so he knows that YOU like him. Brock doesn't understand social cues, so he won't know when you're bored. Who knows, you might bring on a new interest for him, and than you'll have something in common. Autism has affected you that way. Even though he's only six his mind holds so many fascinating facts. Maybe your child goes to school with Brock, and he's made them cry. Just know that Brock would never intentionally hurt someone, he has a heart of gold. It's ok to be upset with my child for hurting yours. I'm doing my best by bringing him to therapy to learn proper social skills so he can interact better with your child. Autism has affected you that way. Maybe you've seen us out in public and you think my child is being a brat, and I'm letting him get away with things. I'm not. We do things differently than you. While it wouldn't work for your child it works for mine. You may try to step in, please don't unless I ask for your help. You may think it's your right as a fellow parent to step in, but it isn't. I'm not being rude, I just don't want the situation to escalate, because I know my childs triggers. If you see me at a store sitting beside a clothes rack trying to coax my child out, instead of shooting dirty looks, come sit by me and talk about inconsiquential things if you feel compelled to do anything. Autism has affected you that way. If you're a close family member or friend and wonder why Brock seems to love you one minute, and wanta nothing to do with you the next, he doesn't. Brock loves with his whole heart even if he can't express it the same. I also feel like Brock doesn't like me at times. I just know how to read his body language. Brock hardly shows me affection and I'm his mother, I get the hurt. This past week Brock told me he likes me because I'm safe and warm. That's huge for him because his perception of relationships is all wrong. He doesn't understand how permanent they are. For him to recognize I'm safe and warm is much biger than any I love you's. The whole reason I started this blog was to raise awareness for autism, and that starts with the people closest to him. I don't expect people to change their lives around for Brock, but I expect understanding. I know the world doesn't revolve around us, but my world revolves around Brock. I've lost a lot of people along this journey. I get it, it's a lot of work to be in our lives. I can't put my 50/50 into relationships because Brock has 100% of me. I get the frustrations of cancelled plans, or always having to leave early, it frustrates me too. Autism has affected you that way. I hold no ill will. Autism is not a blessing, although I'm blessed we received a proper diagnosis. I've had to grieve the loss of what I thought my life as a parent would be like, because it's never going to be that way. I'm overcome with joy for all the new oppurtunties out there to help my child succeed. Autism isn't a blessing because i see my child struggle everyday. He can't dress himself, bathe himself, brush his own teeth or hair. He can't walk like you, talk like you, or eat like you. Even though mentally Brock is a six year old, developmentally he's three. That may not seem like a big age gap, but it is. I see Brocks real fears that lead to meltdowns over everyday things. Autism isn't a blessing because it's heartbreaking. Brock will probably need a lifetime of therapy to lead a normal life like you, and I. I will go to every 5k, charity event, and listen to every Autism speaker that comes my way to raise awareness. 1 in 66 kids have Autism, that number is huge. There are very limited resources to help this kids. We have been very lucky to live in an area with more resources than most, and a school system that knows how to work with autism because most don't. Each person who reads my blog becomes a little more informed each time, who may previously not have known. Maybe you'll see that bratty kid at the store next time, and stop and think before shooting daggers. I like spreading awareness that way. Or maybe you'll meet another kid like Brock along the way, and hear someone talking about how bratty he is, and how the parent(s) have no control and you can correct them. Because by knowing a child who has Autism you are affected, and by becoming informed you can help too by the smallest (but no less important) gestures.

You drink Camels Milk

So here's the deal, I love receiving advice and suggestions, but I don't like people telling me how to cure Brock's Autism. As of this day, there is no cure for Autism. When Brock was developing in utero it was decided that Autism would be a part of Brock. It's a package deal. My package deal, and I will do anything SAFE to help him succeed in life. I strongly believe Brock does not need to be medicated at this time, his behaviors can be controlled without a pill. There is no changing my mind on this. If at some point Brock feels he needs something, that decision is solely up to him. If you suggest a cure all, or a product that is 'proven' to reduce behaviors, please send me a reliable study of said product, and I will read through it, and bring it to Brocks Doctors, and Therapists to review. I will never make my child ingest anything that I myself wouldn't feel comfortable ingesting. I've heard of a lot of crazy treatments, the craziest being a bleach enema. I would never insert bleach in my body let alone my childs. It's called Miracle Mineral Solutions and it contains industrial strength bleach. Unfortunately many people have been hospitalized from this ''treatment.'' Raw Camels Milk was brought to my attention last week. The thought makes me personally want to throw up. While I read there is many health (puke) benefits to drinking camels milk, there is no valid proof it does anything for Autism. Chelation therapy, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy are the last two that have been emailed to me. While I appreciate the thought, Chelation sounds dangerous, Brock has no issues where I would consider it. And Hyperbaric Oxygen therapy would never happen. That would scare Brock shitless, and I'm afraid he'd regress by being exposed to that. Also I don't want to hear the name of a certain female celeb followed by vaccinations. I think she abused her celebrity by spouting off false facts. I don't care about anything she said. Other than that honestly I'm quite open to new ideas, as long as it's not followed by a cure all, or any harmful product. Read the fine print. I'm not looking to cure Brock. I'm interested in therapies that can help lessen behaviors so he can succeed in whatever he wants to do in life. I'm big into meditation, yoga, music therapy, and art as well. Things to help relax his mind. So if you have ideas that are similar to those, please feel free to email me.